I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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