I just pynch a tree in the face
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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