i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i dont even know how to be here
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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