you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
