Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
