im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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