u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
