He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
