she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
