im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
