I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
