i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
