Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
