my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
