apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
