I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
