i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
