I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
