if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
