My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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