guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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