She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm like, not good at living.
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