Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize