the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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