Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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