Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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