Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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