My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
