i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
