He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
