Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize