Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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