FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
