Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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