yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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