pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
