He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
