I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
