You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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