Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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