Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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