Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I am naked and annoyed.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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