She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
this boner is exhausting
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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