Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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