I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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