Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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