My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
