someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
