I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
im on a boat
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