I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
