i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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