I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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