loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
