When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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