he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
