My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
